Thank fricken goodness she doesn't have a xanga. Its like now I hate being friends with her. I never said this to her face and I probabaly never will but she is so egocentric. Every time I do something, or say something she tells me how horrible it felt to her. I was going to send this text to her but I decided not to. "This isn't about you so stop telling me how my actions affect you. How about how they affect me? I said I was sorry and I told you I left because I had a headache and I didn't think you guys would have fun with me not talking and acting sad. I wasn't doing that for me I was doing that for you guys. And as far as being mean to you, well you wouldn't leave me alone, and you would have reacted the same way." Fricken A it was pissing me off. I just wanted to talk to Carrie and sometimes Jay, but they fuckin kept passing the phone to her, and I didn't want to talk to her at all, which is why I didn't call her cell phone. Fuck man, and then I text her this morning saying I am not coming to school cuz I am tired and have a headache and she says, "Okay fine. One thing I do want to say is yesterday was a pretty hurtful day and I don't know what to do anymore. It's your life and you're going to do what you're going to do." Yeah I know how hurtful it must have been for you right? Cuz I love feeling like this, and making you feel bad and worry. Why do you think I said not to worry, cuz I wasn't going to do anything okay? And all I wanted to do was talk to Carrie, cuz she can somehow make me calm down, whereas you piss me off so much more, because when I act like this, you get mad at me, and I so fucking hate that attitude. Just like sometimes I hate you. I hate it when I say something like "I want to die right now" and you say "why?" I hate it. You always know why, and instead of trying to calm me down or talk to me, you ask why, and get mad at me. You of all people should understand since you went through the same thing. And as far as "it's your life" well, the same goes for you, you have been doing some pretty stupid shit too you know, and you're planning even stupider shit. So maybe I don't care anymore, about what you do, about what I do, and about this friendship. Fuck man, like three fights in a month, and all of them are your fault. I never blame people, I always take the blame for everything, but now that I think about it, it is your fault. Hmm. I feel better actually, except for that headache.

I don't feel good. At all. It's coming back and I want it to go away, and I don't know how/don't want to talk about it. I was talking to Jay yesterday and he said I was making him sad with the things I said. Well, I don't like making him, or anyone else for that matter, sad, but what, am I supposed to just keep it in? I can't. I have to say something, or I might do something unreversable. But now all my friends get mad at me for talking like that, or get sad. So I guess I have to keep it inside. Whatever, it might not be enough, these days. I really have to find some reason to go on. College isn't it, cuz I most likely wont be the going to the school I want to. Driving sure as hell won't be it. I'm probably going to end up riding my scooter 'till I'm 40. I fucking hate it. Being bad at everything I try.

I want to get away. Really far away. Away from my family, away from my friends. Away from eveyone, no matter how much they mean to me. I want to get so fricken far away. And fast. But there is no where to go. Thats why I want to go to New York for college. To finally get away. But I probably wont be able to go. And even if I could, Its not soon enough, and I don't know if I have strength to wait. Impatient? Hell yes.